BUS-204
E-Mail Revision Activity
Georgia Military College
BUS-204-20102 Business Communications
E-Mail Revision Activity
The vice president of employee relations is using this e-mail to both warn of a pending
lawsuit and give “suggestions” on how to improve the evaluation process. The purpose of this
e- mail was to inform the company of a lawsuit based around negative comments from
supervisors in the performance evaluations. However, the vice president is very critical and
insults others very frequently throughout the e-mail and has a general unprofessional attitude for
the entire e- mail. This e-mail contains a lot of negative attributes such as gender bias,
unprofessional comments, and uses negative language to profile issues throughout the company,
specifically towards performance evaluations. The vice president should use this e-mail as a
means to inform and improve the evaluation process, rather than an opportunity to demean
department managers
for something the entire company is responsible for. The e-mail can be improved by changing
the overall attitude of the e-mail. Changing the mindset of this being the “manager’s problem”
to this being a failure of the overall systems in place and using this e-mail to provide an
opportunity to improve is very important for the welfare of the company. Eliminating
demeaning language such as “dense” or “Man up” shifts the email from negative to a positive to
convey a message. While this e-mail does make its point clear, it does so in a very rude and
demeaning way. It requires major revision to become a way to convey a message, yet reassure
employees that they are a valued member of the company.
E-Mail Revision Activity
Georgia Military College
BUS-204-20102 Business Communications
E-Mail Revision Activity
The vice president of employee relations is using this e-mail to both warn of a pending
lawsuit and give “suggestions” on how to improve the evaluation process. The purpose of this
e- mail was to inform the company of a lawsuit based around negative comments from
supervisors in the performance evaluations. However, the vice president is very critical and
insults others very frequently throughout the e-mail and has a general unprofessional attitude for
the entire e- mail. This e-mail contains a lot of negative attributes such as gender bias,
unprofessional comments, and uses negative language to profile issues throughout the company,
specifically towards performance evaluations. The vice president should use this e-mail as a
means to inform and improve the evaluation process, rather than an opportunity to demean
department managers
for something the entire company is responsible for. The e-mail can be improved by changing
the overall attitude of the e-mail. Changing the mindset of this being the “manager’s problem”
to this being a failure of the overall systems in place and using this e-mail to provide an
opportunity to improve is very important for the welfare of the company. Eliminating
demeaning language such as “dense” or “Man up” shifts the email from negative to a positive to
convey a message. While this e-mail does make its point clear, it does so in a very rude and
demeaning way. It requires major revision to become a way to convey a message, yet reassure
employees that they are a valued member of the company.
