MGG2601 – MARRIAGE GUIDANCE
NOTES
THEME 1 – UNDERSTANDING COUPLES
Ruth Keech – intimate relationships consist of 3 factors that form a tripod on which
the relationship rests:
1. Passionate attraction
2. Mutual expectations
3. Personal intentions
Passionate Attraction
Experience intensely pleasurable sensations
Physical symptoms:
o Blushing
o Trembling
o Stammering
o Breathlessness
Commonly referred to as infatuation and tends to be a passing love
May not even be known to the other person
“A foolish and unreasoning love”
Idealisation:
o Negatives/flaws of the idealised beloved may be intellectually
recognised, but are disregarded/rationalised as endearing
Love:
o Love encompasses all 3 legs of the tripod
o Active concern for the life and growth of the person we love
o Hauck’s Basic Principles About Love:
Actions speak louder than verbal promises of love and devotion
Love requires a reciprocal investment from both parties
Love needs management
The goal is to be just reasonably content
Mutual Expectation
The heat of passionate attraction creates a group of mutual expectations
o Some may be unrealistic and as a result cause conflict within the
relationship
Some common expectations:
o A partner should demonstrate sympathy to the person whenever upset
o Always be willing to express his/her innermost thoughts and feelings
o Should be loyal by siding with the when in an argument
o Should always want to do things with the person
o Always choose the person above others
Couples begin their relationships with sets of expectations that they
introjected from their own families of origin, from society and from the media
, Common myths:
o If we love each other we should be happy at all times
o We should always be completely honest, regardless of the impact on
our partners
o We should want to be together all the time and be unselfish with our
time
o We should agree on every issue in order to support each other
o If we have a problem we must decide who is to blame
o We know what the other is thinking, so we don’t need to communicate
o Good relationships just happen and don’t need to be worked on or re-
evaluated
o If we create joint activities we will be close forever
o We don’t need friends/family as long as we have each other
Expectations about roles and responsibilities:
o Traditionally, cultures defined, prescribed, and allocated non-
negotiable rules and duties to couples, often according to gender
o Nowadays there is more freedom and roles can be determined by
personal choice
Some believe that this has increased their fulfilment and
satisfaction in their relationship
Others believe it is too fickly and that the poor role descriptions
exacerbate conflict and animosity
Expectations about life events:
o Romantic myths, different family of origin lifestyles, cultural differences,
different values and inadequate initial knowledge of one another make
it very difficult for partners to agree on all issues
o Some life wishes will never be met
Personal Intentions
Defined as the individual’s decisions, both deliberate and unconscious, about
how he or she should behave as a loving partner
Sometimes good intentions won’t be fulfilled
o People can seldom anticipate how they will react in certain situations
under specific pressures
o What one partner sees as a deed of love, the other might not
Gender Differences
Similarities:
o Same fundamental needs of humans
It isn’t the needs that differ but rather the ways in which they
translate or express those needs and attempt to fulfil them
o Gender stereotyping often promotes unnecessary conflict
Physiological differences:
o Focus is on the impact of oestrogen and testosterone and the
difference in male and female brain functioning
o Conflictual situations:
Women tend to self-soothe
, Men become more aroused and hold on to their distressing
thoughts
o Negative relationships:
Women tend to become more demanding and complaining
Men more likely to withdraw
o Verbal ability of women is the result of their left brain functioning and
higher levels of oestrogen
o Men are considered to be more aggressive because of the right brain
dominance and the presence of testosterone
Differences in communication styles and patterns of emotional expression:
o Women:
Much more work starting and maintaining quality interactions
Ask more questions
Use a questioning tone
Use tag questions to engage the listener
Use more qualifiers and intensifiers
More skilled at interpreting and using nonverbal behaviour
More attentive
o Men:
More prone to interrupt conversations
More competitive
Uses fewer words
Emphasises factual information and detail
Far less revealing about their intimate thoughts and feelings
Perceptions of rules/roles for the relationship
o Certain behaviours are often socially prescribed by gender
o Stereotypes are misleading and have the potential to generate very
stereotyped thinking that reduces each individuals capacity for
individualisation and free expression
If one goes against a stereotype they are labelled as
homosexual or maladjusted
o There are 4 main reasons for the differences in sex role expectations
(Karpel):
Differences in socialisation
Differences in legal and economic status and power
Differences in childbirth and parenting
Differences in sexuality
o These differences are responsible for marginalising women
o Ideally – we should strive to respect each couple’s decision to manage
their gender differences in way that are acceptable to them
o
The Effects of Ethnicity and Culture
Culture – an integrated pattern of communication among people with a
common history, language and place that results in common values,
behaviour patterns and expectations that are transmitted across generations
o An individual’s sense of self is implicitly intertwined with his or her
cultural beliefs
, Ethnicity – a concept of a groups ‘people-hood’ based on a combination of
race, religion and culture history whether or not members realise their
commonalities with each other
o It describes a commonality transmitted by the family over generations
and reinforced by the surrounding community
o Ethnicity intersects with class, religion, politics, geography, the length
of time a group has been in a country, the historical cohort and the
degree of discrimination the group has experience
There are a few examples of how ethnicity impacts on couples:
o Definition of a family
English – nuclear family
African – entire network
o Formation of values
A traditional person rates him/herself according to the extent
that he or she has integrated cultural values and practices into
everyday life
o Culture and family life cycle transitions
Every culture evolves its own life cycle transitions based on age,
gender, societal role expectations and traditions
Dating, courtship, marriage, child rearing and retirement may be
strongly influenced by the early cultural messages each partner
receives from his or her family of origin
o Cultural practices change with time
o Cross-cultural unions
Interethnic unions can be stressful because partners enter their
relationships with different expectations because of their
different backgrounds
Becoming a Couple
There are 6 characteristics that set the couple apart from other relationships
they have with friends, siblings, parents and children
o The couple relationship is voluntary
o The relationship depends upon a balance of stability and growth
o The relationship has a past, present and a future
o Partners have to merge their individual perspectives and histories
o Belonging to a partnership implies giving and receiving support
o The relationship requires that each party respect the other’s identity
and individuality
Couple Formation:
o A couple is formed when a boundary (invisible psychological) is
erected around the 2 individuals
o Makes the couple concentrate on each other and their relationship as
something separated from their families
Offers them a sense of intimacy or belonging, a shared past,
present and future
o The process of couple formation is as follows:
NOTES
THEME 1 – UNDERSTANDING COUPLES
Ruth Keech – intimate relationships consist of 3 factors that form a tripod on which
the relationship rests:
1. Passionate attraction
2. Mutual expectations
3. Personal intentions
Passionate Attraction
Experience intensely pleasurable sensations
Physical symptoms:
o Blushing
o Trembling
o Stammering
o Breathlessness
Commonly referred to as infatuation and tends to be a passing love
May not even be known to the other person
“A foolish and unreasoning love”
Idealisation:
o Negatives/flaws of the idealised beloved may be intellectually
recognised, but are disregarded/rationalised as endearing
Love:
o Love encompasses all 3 legs of the tripod
o Active concern for the life and growth of the person we love
o Hauck’s Basic Principles About Love:
Actions speak louder than verbal promises of love and devotion
Love requires a reciprocal investment from both parties
Love needs management
The goal is to be just reasonably content
Mutual Expectation
The heat of passionate attraction creates a group of mutual expectations
o Some may be unrealistic and as a result cause conflict within the
relationship
Some common expectations:
o A partner should demonstrate sympathy to the person whenever upset
o Always be willing to express his/her innermost thoughts and feelings
o Should be loyal by siding with the when in an argument
o Should always want to do things with the person
o Always choose the person above others
Couples begin their relationships with sets of expectations that they
introjected from their own families of origin, from society and from the media
, Common myths:
o If we love each other we should be happy at all times
o We should always be completely honest, regardless of the impact on
our partners
o We should want to be together all the time and be unselfish with our
time
o We should agree on every issue in order to support each other
o If we have a problem we must decide who is to blame
o We know what the other is thinking, so we don’t need to communicate
o Good relationships just happen and don’t need to be worked on or re-
evaluated
o If we create joint activities we will be close forever
o We don’t need friends/family as long as we have each other
Expectations about roles and responsibilities:
o Traditionally, cultures defined, prescribed, and allocated non-
negotiable rules and duties to couples, often according to gender
o Nowadays there is more freedom and roles can be determined by
personal choice
Some believe that this has increased their fulfilment and
satisfaction in their relationship
Others believe it is too fickly and that the poor role descriptions
exacerbate conflict and animosity
Expectations about life events:
o Romantic myths, different family of origin lifestyles, cultural differences,
different values and inadequate initial knowledge of one another make
it very difficult for partners to agree on all issues
o Some life wishes will never be met
Personal Intentions
Defined as the individual’s decisions, both deliberate and unconscious, about
how he or she should behave as a loving partner
Sometimes good intentions won’t be fulfilled
o People can seldom anticipate how they will react in certain situations
under specific pressures
o What one partner sees as a deed of love, the other might not
Gender Differences
Similarities:
o Same fundamental needs of humans
It isn’t the needs that differ but rather the ways in which they
translate or express those needs and attempt to fulfil them
o Gender stereotyping often promotes unnecessary conflict
Physiological differences:
o Focus is on the impact of oestrogen and testosterone and the
difference in male and female brain functioning
o Conflictual situations:
Women tend to self-soothe
, Men become more aroused and hold on to their distressing
thoughts
o Negative relationships:
Women tend to become more demanding and complaining
Men more likely to withdraw
o Verbal ability of women is the result of their left brain functioning and
higher levels of oestrogen
o Men are considered to be more aggressive because of the right brain
dominance and the presence of testosterone
Differences in communication styles and patterns of emotional expression:
o Women:
Much more work starting and maintaining quality interactions
Ask more questions
Use a questioning tone
Use tag questions to engage the listener
Use more qualifiers and intensifiers
More skilled at interpreting and using nonverbal behaviour
More attentive
o Men:
More prone to interrupt conversations
More competitive
Uses fewer words
Emphasises factual information and detail
Far less revealing about their intimate thoughts and feelings
Perceptions of rules/roles for the relationship
o Certain behaviours are often socially prescribed by gender
o Stereotypes are misleading and have the potential to generate very
stereotyped thinking that reduces each individuals capacity for
individualisation and free expression
If one goes against a stereotype they are labelled as
homosexual or maladjusted
o There are 4 main reasons for the differences in sex role expectations
(Karpel):
Differences in socialisation
Differences in legal and economic status and power
Differences in childbirth and parenting
Differences in sexuality
o These differences are responsible for marginalising women
o Ideally – we should strive to respect each couple’s decision to manage
their gender differences in way that are acceptable to them
o
The Effects of Ethnicity and Culture
Culture – an integrated pattern of communication among people with a
common history, language and place that results in common values,
behaviour patterns and expectations that are transmitted across generations
o An individual’s sense of self is implicitly intertwined with his or her
cultural beliefs
, Ethnicity – a concept of a groups ‘people-hood’ based on a combination of
race, religion and culture history whether or not members realise their
commonalities with each other
o It describes a commonality transmitted by the family over generations
and reinforced by the surrounding community
o Ethnicity intersects with class, religion, politics, geography, the length
of time a group has been in a country, the historical cohort and the
degree of discrimination the group has experience
There are a few examples of how ethnicity impacts on couples:
o Definition of a family
English – nuclear family
African – entire network
o Formation of values
A traditional person rates him/herself according to the extent
that he or she has integrated cultural values and practices into
everyday life
o Culture and family life cycle transitions
Every culture evolves its own life cycle transitions based on age,
gender, societal role expectations and traditions
Dating, courtship, marriage, child rearing and retirement may be
strongly influenced by the early cultural messages each partner
receives from his or her family of origin
o Cultural practices change with time
o Cross-cultural unions
Interethnic unions can be stressful because partners enter their
relationships with different expectations because of their
different backgrounds
Becoming a Couple
There are 6 characteristics that set the couple apart from other relationships
they have with friends, siblings, parents and children
o The couple relationship is voluntary
o The relationship depends upon a balance of stability and growth
o The relationship has a past, present and a future
o Partners have to merge their individual perspectives and histories
o Belonging to a partnership implies giving and receiving support
o The relationship requires that each party respect the other’s identity
and individuality
Couple Formation:
o A couple is formed when a boundary (invisible psychological) is
erected around the 2 individuals
o Makes the couple concentrate on each other and their relationship as
something separated from their families
Offers them a sense of intimacy or belonging, a shared past,
present and future
o The process of couple formation is as follows:
